now that i know you exist, how could i not think about you
u found the things that i didn’t know made me happy
noticed things i didn’t appreciate
the grins you gave me, made my face tired
you took the sun with you when you left
on my silent days i miss you a little louder
i told the stars about you
even though i barely knew you,
every song makes me think about what your opinion would be on it.
only if you knew the lengths i go to to get you to remember me.
i’ve noticed my uncle walks me out to my car to make sure i get there safely when i leave.
i’ve noticed people keep lights on their house all year round, just because they’re pretty.
i keep trying to find songs that my brother likes, so that i can play them in the car while i’m driving him places.. hoping he will hate me a little less
i notice that the sunlight traveled a long way to get to me.
my sister likes all of my songs, and memorizes them even if i play them once. maybe i should appreciate that.
i didn’t even expect a note back when i wrote you one so long that my hand pulsed.
i noticed that my heart is starting to be grateful for itself.
when i cant sleep i think of everything on my walls and in my drawers that i don’t deserve.
i hold on to ticket stubs, photo strips, and that dead flower… but i don’t put them in boxes or in books.
and i think it brilliantly illustrates how i’m a sentimental piece of shit who cant put their life together.
maybe you’re right mom, but i’m trying.
please acknowledge that i’m trying.
storms are my favorite entertainment.
a show put on by the atmosphere.
we would sit by the door wide-eyed being flashed followed by a deep growl from the sky.
lighting cracked the glass we are trapped in.
just to be sealed back up by the clouds.
august 14th 2015
one of these pretty storms tried to kill me.
i was dropped off at the store with my little brother.
feeling independent, picking up things up for my mom, and getting to tell my brother “no” to the toys he was begging for.
we walked outside to the warm humidity of a late summer storm.
we stood by the curb holding our bags watching in awe as the dim sky flashed in the distance.
as if we were in a fish bowl being tormented by the unknown behind the glass.
fear rushed over my brother, but i was in charge.
“we shouldn’t be standing out here” “come on lets go inside and wait for mom”
my power trip got the best of me as i shot down every warning my brother was feeling.
as i saw my moms car come around the corner i tried to tell him “look there’s mom, see? we are fine. we are safe.”
before the my thought was transmitted to my voice box, the sky chose us.
the only way to explain the sensation i felt, is by saying i thought i died.
i was lifted off the ground. my chin to the sky.
the shock in my mouth was so intense, that i thought my head fell off my body.
i made eye contact with what was behind the sky and i could feel it.
after being lifted we were thrown back down on to the gravel.
waking up face down , our memories were reset, in full panic mode.
forgetting my mom was right in front of us, my brother and i looked at her dead in the eyes and ran the other direction.
my ears were ringing and my mouth was numb.
my brother couldn’t hold up the upper half of his body so i held him like a dead corpse.
we sheltered under the store roof, my mom approaching accompanied by a group of teenaged boys and store employees.
my blurry eyes saw all of them yelling and reaching for us but the screeching in my ears downed out all of their panicked voices.
my eyes focused and my ears finally stfu.
my mouth hadn’t woken up yet, as i tried to talk i felt like i was trapped inside my body, slurring out the attempted cries for help.
we eventually got into the car. no more chaos, just silent tears, bloodshot eyes, and constant twitches.
the look on my moms face as we drove to the ER was priceless.
you know, that look you get when you watch your children turn to lifeless bodies and knocked onto their faces in front of you?
a night in the ER caused me the most discomfort and sickness i have experienced.
being expected to sleep with the cold heart monitor stickers all over my body, and the IV needle in my arm.
i had a twitch in my leg that vibrated my entire bed. and i genuinely tried to stop it. but i realized my brain wasn’t powerful enough to calm the feeling my muscles just felt.
to explain the shock in my mouth, and my brothers fail to keep his body up.. i had a metal retainer, and my brother was wearing a baseball hat with the little metal button on the top. the lightnings built-in weapons…
through the night, my brothers heart rate was so low, that the machine thought he flat lined.
mine was so high and off beat, and the alarm sounds of the machines kept me up.
i guess so did the fact that i was just made one of the most unlucky person in the world.
followed by years later being the 1% of patients that got nerve damage while getting my wisdom teeth pulled. leaving part of my face and inside my mouth completely numb for the rest of my life.
we lived, and with a laugh i tell these stories.
and with a minor sensitivity to loud noises, i’m here
i don’t ever turn on my ceiling light anymore
if it’s dark outside, it’s dark in my room.
i lay on my bed and watch everything on my walls change colors as clouds pass the sun.
my favorite is when the clouds open for a few seconds
leaving everything with a warm orange glow.
and as the clouds circle the earth
and a group breaks apart from another
it randomly strikes my room with that yellow light
giving my plants and i a smile.
the light brings me joy
but when the clouds cover it, it reminds me that it’s not melting the snow.
“I made this for you”,
siren and seraph.
you are so intelligent.
when you read her posts, you would think you are reading poetry from the greek gods.
in a good way, it reminds me how i failed the ACT. damn good thing there are people like her in the world, because I am not one of them.
I have used the word “pretty thinker” a lot in comments and posts on here.
she is the prettiest thinker.
you are human, an accomplishing human.
thank you for existing.
merry christmas angel.
the idioms of a heart-
do (something) in a heartbeat
from the bottom of ones heart
have a heart
follow your heart
soft spot in ones heart
heart is in the right place
heart of stone
be young at heart
learn (something) by heart
two hearts beating as one.
i could go on forever. but these make you realize that hearts are the root of everything we do, it’s a state of mind, an emotion, a verb, object and adjective.
but most importantly it is who we are.
you hear of heart transplant stories, and the patient literally gaining characteristics of the donor.
it’s a flash drive of our existence
the most detailed diary of our journeys
it keeps your MF body going.
“the silent organ with the loudest chants”
hi, you saw how much i panicked about the fact that it’s required to reveal yourself, because i didn’t want my writing and my feelings to be attached to my face.
if u thought u just had to scroll down to the bottom of my post to see “my. name. is …..” pranks. it’s right here. I’m Emily Holmes!
all i want to say, is that i am happy. i’m so so happy. i wrote my shit because my brain needed to process it. because i never did when i should have.
this blog has cured me. your blogs have cured me. paris is a pill, a vaccine. i thank paris for everything and i cry thinking about it ending.
this was fun
and here’s a link to my apple music profile! https://music.apple.com/profile/emilyholmes4